Assertiveness

The Chambers 20th Century Dictionary had over an inch and a half of definitions (derived from assert) but the meaning I liked best was “confirming confidently”.

Assertion is the back bone of untold situations, whether it is in a relationship, the workplace or life in general.  It is a positive way of dealing with matters in a confident and assured way.  It is the art of saying no when you are asked to do something you don’t want to do. Being assertive is an honest and appropriate expression of one's feelings, opinions, and needs. Assertiveness is also often associated with positive self-esteem and a better self-image. Assertiveness is a means of communicating what you want in a clear manner, respecting your own rights and feelings and the rights and feelings of others.

It is standing up for your rights in a calm manner. It is not negative behaviour, threatening, aggressive or demanding, hostile, blaming or sarcastic. Assertiveness differs from aggression in that standing up for yourself does not disrespect the rights of others and their points of view.

Assertiveness involves the following:

• Being clear about what you feel, what you need and how it can be achieved
• Being able to communicate calmly without attacking another person
• Saying ‘yes’ when you want to and ‘no’ when you mean ‘no’
• Deciding on and sticking to clear boundaries, being happy to defend your position
• Being confident about handling conflict if it occurs
• Understanding how to negotiate if two people want different outcomes
• Being able to talk openly about yourself and being able to listen to others
• Being able to give and receive feedback
• Having a positive, optimistic outlook

To be completely assertive, you need to see yourself as being worthy and having a right to enjoy life and be who you are.  This allows you to be respectful of others whilst also respecting yourself. There are some people who think that being assertive is about being selfish. Not so at all, it is about acknowledging that all opinions are important.  Learning how to be assertive gives you the opportunity to improve your life by feeling in control of your choices and communicating what your choices are to others without damaging your own.

How Can You be More Assertive?

Listen

People are much more likely to listen to you if they feel they are being listened to.  It is important to listen to others and understand what they are saying.  When you are listening, give eye contact, use positive words to show you hear, and ask for clarification of their feeling, acknowledge what they are saying by summarising and repeating their points. Once you have heard them out, you can state your own position and the way you feel about it.

State your position

Be clear about your position, if you are not clear you cannot be specific. Focus purely on the facts, take time to think about your own position. Know exactly what you want to say. Keep calm and stick to your point. Ensure you know what it is you want and on what you are prepared to give way without comprising yourself.

Suggest improvements, solutions or outcomes

To make improvements on a situation or conversation that needs to change, you need to have some outcomes. By suggesting solutions you are showing that you are prepared to negotiate and reach a situation you are both happy with.

If your solution doesn't suit the other person,  ask them to suggest an alternative and use this as the basis for a negotiation.  It is important to keep in mind your bottom line and stick to it.  Once you have made clear your bottom line it is essential to stick to it, else you will be giving in and may later feel wronged.

 

Top tips for being assertive

• Pay attention
• Use "I" language
• Be clear and direct
• Use few words
• Don't dilute
• Be positive
• It is about how you say something rather than what you say
• Adopt appropriate body language to back up your assertion
• Keep calm and stick to the point
• Always respect the rights of the other person

 

An Exercise for Practicing Assertiveness

Stand in front of a mirror (or a good friend) and try using these three different types of posture and body language in turn:

• being the aggressor
• being the victim
• being the assertive person

Go through the dialogue of each individual and see how you feel and react as you try each one.  Just standing in a confident calm way and having eye contact (not staring or glaring) can make you feel more assertive.

"Assert your right to make a few mistakes. If people can't accept your imperfections, that's their fault." - Dr. David M. Burns.