How often do you end up doing something that you don't want to because you have said yes when you really wanted to say no? How does it make you feel when that happens?

So why would you say yes?

• You feel responsible for doing what you have been asked
• You are contracted to do it
• To fulfil a promise
• You want to do it
• It will feel good to do it (for ourselves and/or others)
• It is enjoyable or challenging
• You know that you can
• People will be impressed that you did
• It reflects well on you

You may be able to think of many other reasons why you will say yes.

When you do something because you really want to, it is likely that you will have a range of good positive feelings and a positive outlook on fulfilling your promise.

If you say "yes" and you really wanted to say no then the feelings will be very different. Think about times when you have agreed a request. Think about how you felt when you were happy to agree and compare that with how you have felt when you have said yes and you didn't want to.

If it is your way to always agree even when consent goes against what you really want, you may end up living with negative emotions much of the time. For example:

• Frustration that you weren't honest with yourself and others
• Anger that somebody has taken advantage of your good nature
• Resigned that you will always face this problem because of your unwillingness to say no
• Resentful that you are not doing what you really want to do
• Silly because everybody knows that you are always so compliant
• Stressed because you have lost control

Many people say that they "just do it for an easy life". Actually, whilst compliance with other people's demands may appear to be the solution to an "easy life" you will suffer the stresses of the negative emotions above if you don't change your ways.

People who find it difficult to say no often see assertiveness as a negative trait. Somehow, assertiveness becomes a form of confrontation, or a gesture to show that you dislike or disapprove of the person who has made the request. So what else makes us say yes when we mean no?

• A desire to please, no matter what
• Putting others' wishes and needs before our own (lack of self respect/self esteem)
• Taking responsibility even though it's not yours
• Seeing refusal as a form of confrontation or disrespect
• Feeling that the other person is vulnerable or can't take responsibility for themselves
• If nobody else will do it then I have to

If you identify with these situations, from now, when somebody asks you to do something:

• Take a moment to become aware of your "gut" reaction. How do you feel about what you have been asked? Is it a "good" or a "negative" feeling? If it is a bad feeling, what is it telling you?
• If you feel yourself blurting out a "yes" and inside you hear a "no" tell the person that you will get back to them, and take some time to consider what you want to do and why

In the coming days and weeks imagine situations when you have wanted to refuse, and replay them but with you being assertive and saying no. Remember, that refusals can take many forms. They don't have to be an emphatic and unjustified "no" although there are some situations in which this may be called for. Also, observe other people and look out for one person refusing another. Use these situations to help you to:

• Stop feeling guilty about saying no
• Acknowledge that you are not responsible for everybody and everything
• See that approval and admiration are not a result of always saying yes
• Build up the confidence to be true to yourself and to be assertive

Think about situations in which people have said no to you. What are your reflections about those?

ASo, let's look at some good reasons why you should say no when you mean no:

• You are being asked to do something which conflict with your values or morals
• You don't have enough time to fulfil this commitment if you were to take it on
• You don't have the necessary skills to complete the request
• You wouldn't enjoy it
• You don't envisage a positive outcome
• Your other obligations won't be fulfilled
• You need the time you have for yourself or other things
• This really is not your responsibility
• It doesn't feel right

So when you do stop and take stock of how you are feeling when you know that you want to say no, you will find some perfectly reasonable explanations.

Following your reflection you can now decide how you can react.

It may be more difficult for you to go with your real wishes if you have low self esteem and always put others needs before your own. This is something else that you may need to deal with. However, now that you have determined how you feel and why, there are many ways in which you can say no.

• The situation may warrant an outright and emphatic "no". Without explanation, particularly if you are dealing with persistent and demanding requests
• "No because…" is perfectly reasonable if you want to give an explanation, that maybe you don't feel you have the skills, time, tools, or other resources to complete the task. No because I need time for myself is perfectly reasonable too.
• "No but…" if you want to say there is a possibility of partly meeting the request.
• perhaps you may be able to help next week or next month
• when you have dealt with a number of other tasks on your list
• you can do part of it but not all of it

It is important to realise that agreeing to do something when you don't have the time, skills or will to do can lead to an all around unsatisfactory result leaving you and the other person dissatisfied with the outcome. You may end up feeling that you have let yourself and the other person down and leave the other person feeling that you have not given your best or that they could have a better outcome had you said no and asked somebody else who was willing to give their help.

What can be worse, if you consent to do something that goes against your own values, morals or needs, your own self worth may be affected detrimentally. This can also be the case when you say yes just to "please" somebody, when actually you know that the long term effects of your agreement may be detrimental to the other person and/or to you.

Finally, there will be times when you feel that although you are being compromised you may decide that you will consent to do something that instinctively you would not. If you are in this situation there are a number of ways in which you can make it clear that your help is conditional or has limits.

• That you are willing to help this time but it is a one off, and that you expect other arrangements to be in place next time
• That you do not really have the time, energy or will to help so you expect something in return or a compromise in your favour also
• You will be able to think of other situations in which you can lay down conditions for your agreement.
• That you are willing to help this time but it is a one off, and that you expect other arrangements to be in place next time

In essence:

• Be aware of your instinctive willingness to agree or not
• Understand your reasons for your instinctive response
• Build your self esteem so that you are aware of your own needs and balance them with your responsibilities for others' needs
• Know how to say yes and no in different ways