Perhaps you already find it easy to win friends and influence people? If so, well done you! Of course, everybody learns social and professional skills to make this task possible, but you may have experienced situations with friends, family, work colleagues or even the person you met in the queue at the supermarket checkout when you felt that you weren’t happy with the encounter that you had. Perhaps times when you feel that you could have made a friend out of a stranger you had just met and said goodbye or maybe that you felt that your colleagues would listen more to your viewpoint.

Conversely, how about the times when you have met people and hit it off immediately? And when you say goodbye you feel that you have had a great time.  When you experience this type of connection you will have experienced “rapport” between you.

“Rapport is commonality of perspective, being in “sync”, being on the same wavelength as the person you are talking to” (1) 

It is further described as

“one of the most important features or characteristics of unconscious human interaction” (2)

Various studies have concluded that, depending on the type of behaviour,  between 60% and 99% of communication happens through non verbal behaviour. That is communication not contained in words themselves. In other words, how we are thought to say something can be just as important. But also, that we communicate without words.

When you build relationships with others your levels of comfort with them will be influenced by how much you believe the other person is like you or behaves within limits that you find acceptable. This will create the feeling of being on the same wavelength or being in sync. That feeling of having rapport between you.

Creating rapport with another person or group will enhance your prospects of influencing them, having a positive encounter with a stranger and for making new friends. Here are some everyday situations where an awareness of rapport building would be useful:

Engaging in a team meeting at work

• Talking to customer services about your telephone bill
• Going to a party and not knowing anyone
• Arranging a family get together with your sister
• Dealing with a shop assistant who can’t be bothered
• Checking in at the airport

If you build rapport with people in these situations, they will regard you more favourably and you will have a greater chance of influencing their behaviour towards you.

You do not need to like the person to create rapport with them. However, having rapport with them will be in your interest.

Many businesses send their sales staff on rapport building courses to increase their selling skills. Studies have shown that the rapport skills of doctors will influence the degree to which patients will speak openly. There are articles written for teachers so that they can achieve better results with students.
 

Matching and Mirroring

We are more likely to get on with people who are like us. The scope of “likeness” is wide and includes unconscious similarity. You can create this similarity by using matching or mirroring. Both are effective. When you match somebody, you do exactly the same as they do. When you mirror, you do as they do, but on the opposite side of your body, as though they are looking in the mirror.

This does not mean that you have to copy every move. Only one form of gesture or behaviour can be acted upon and  should the other person become aware of what you are doing, they can become offended or angry, so if you decide to use it, wait for a short time before you match or mirror.

Here are some examples:

• crossing one leg over another while sitting
• sitting with hands locked behind the head
• Smiling or nodding
• Head tilted to the side
• breathing at the same rate, inhaling and exhaling at the same time
• eye blinking rate
• hand gestures while talking

 

Body Space and Eye Contact

The distance people need between them is governed by lots of factors. But to have rapport, you need to allow enough space for comfort. If you are standing chatting to somebody who repeatedly steps away, they will feel uncomfortable if you repeatedly move closer. If you don’t respect their boundaries they will not feel rapport with you.

Similarly with eye contact. People have different levels of comfort with different levels or intensity of eye contact. Too much may feel intimidating, and not enough can seem suspicious or insincere. The amount of eye contact you have from somebody is a good indicator of what they are comfortable with (though of course you will in turn have your own responses to it).

In addition, eye contact has an interesting correlation to body space. An intensely intimate context allows complete physical contact and prolonged eye contact to be comfortable.

However, consider what happens when you are in a crowded lift? Body space is forcibly reduced and everybody avoids eye contact to compensate for the enforced physical proximity.

Have you ever been chatted up by somebody who you are not keen on? What happens? You become uncomfortable with the body space and amount of eye contact? On the other hand I know people who have used this in a business context to win contracts or facilitate a good business relationship. They maintain rapport at the level that the other person wants, mainly by allowing the body space that the other person wants and reciprocating eye contact.  Should you want to make clear that you do not this attention you may choose to break rapport deliberately, moving away, breaking eye contact, letting the other person know that you don’t appreciate their attention. You may break rapport in other ways, for example, in your tone of voice and facial expression.

 

Mood

Matching the mood will help you to stay in rapport.

For example. You join a group of friends who are having a cosy quiet drink in a wine bar. They are all quite comfortable, tired after work. If you match the mood, sit down and join the conversation you will blend in well and be welcomed into the group.  What would they think if you strode up, hovered on the edge of the group and said “come on you boring lot, lets go party at the club next door”. By not matching the mood, you will break rapport and maybe irritate your friends who are up for a quiet night.

 However, had you been with them a while and noticed a restless energy in the group, maybe a few murmurings of wanting to go on somewhere else, you may catch the new mood (and stay in rapport) by jumping up and suggesting the party.

you will stay in rapport (with those who want to move on) by matching the change

There are times when you may want to break rapport deliberately, changing the direction of communication and the mood. For example, with a friend who is feeling negative and miserable. You meet your friend who is gloomy and crying. You may decide that following the initial tea and sympathy, you need to move to a different mood. In which case you may temporarily come out of rapport, jump up, say ok, time to move on, let’s go out. If successful, they then jump back into rapport with you by joining you on your feet and saying yeah come on then, I’m up for it now…Can you think of other situations where you may need to break rapport temporarily?

 

Language

Although we have been discussing non verbal rapport building techniques, let’s look briefly at some aspects of language that are worth considering when trying to build rapport.

 

• You can create a positive impression by using the same vocabulary as your companion, as long as you give the impression that you are using it naturally.
  
• Watch out for expressions that may seem critical or challenging if you want to maintain rapport. In these situations avoid expressions like:
• You are not listening to me
• Don’t be silly
• You’ve got it wrong
• You have misunderstood me
• You are being oversensitive

Remember that the chances are that your companion is listening to you but what you have said means something different to what you have intended. If somebody has not understood your intention, say what you mean in a different way until you have conveyed the meaning you want.

 Describing a person as “oversensitive” is an attack on their perceptions and emotional reaction. They are clearly seeing a situation differently from you and reacting in a way that they know best. 
 

Use alternative, less challenging expressions like:

• Let me try to explain what I mean
• Oh, why do you say that?
• OK, that's interesting, but this is the way I see it

 

Summary

This article has touched on a few ways in which you can become aware of your interactions with others and how you may use different communication and rapport building skills to positively influence your relationships.

 Think of situations where you would benefit from using these techniques, even with people who you may not like. They can be used to influence both intimate and professional relationships. Even a friendly interaction with a stranger can make your day so much better.